This blog post is focused on how to take action against a Narcissist who is “hoovering” you. This is for the person who no longer wants anything to do with the Narcissist, but the Narcissist just won’t leave you alone. It is very important to understand that if you have any flicker of longing for the Narcissist, you may not be ready to get to the No Contact Plan at this point in time. In this stage, you never want to see your abuser again. You are over it. Check out our other blog posts if you are still lingering…if you are ready to be free, keep reading!
What is Hoovering
Hoovering is employed by the Narcissist and is similar to stalking. Narcissist will hoover you when you has decide to cut out the Narcissist from your life. This makes the Narcissist feel out of control as he or she feels entitled to your entire being. As a result, when no contact is initiated, the Narcissist will attempt to break those boundaries like a child who has been told no but is used to getting his or her own way and throws a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. Yep, that is what you are dealing with. Hoovering includes massive emailing, texting, phoning, or showing up where you will be under the pretext of apologizing or some other non-applicable reason geared to draw you back in and generate narcissist supply. Keep in mind, you getting upset is a very powerful source of narcissist supply…they prefer turbulent emotions from you as that is what they feel inside.
The Narcissist Addiction
The Narcissist is an addict to “fuel” which is the emotional energy of others. Narcissist’s swear up and down that they lack empathy to feel, but this is not really the case. The Narcissist’s false self is a very sensitive projection – because it is, well, not real. Ironically, they feel more intense emotions than others based on their insecurity and their self-created fear that the false self will be eaten by the “creature” in side them. In short, the Narcissist is a child, but he does have the power of an adult. Like a child, the Narcissist lacks discipline and never was properly mirrored by his parents for some reason or the other (in most cases). In other posts, we can go over the why, but that is not relevant right now. Whether you understood it fully or not changes nothing that you are under attack if you are being hoovered.
The Narcissist Attack Methodology
In order to defend against evil, you have to understand how the narcissist attacks. Evil’s logic is: “a good defense is to attack”. However, the Narcissist spends all of his energy in attack and does not employ good defense strategies. In truth, similar to a bully, Narcissists never learned how to defend – their sense of entitlement permitted them to take – but that is their weakness. Therefore, evil stores up it’s negative influences and makes the attack out of no where on you (narcissist’s are drawn to our kind based on their envy of good)…but ultimately, a good defense is what always wins the war…and yes, you are at war…even if you don’t understand it yet.
What Do You do When Being Hoovered
1. Ignore and Block The Narcissist From Your Life…Completely. Narcissist’s are addicts to fuel, so if they are not receiving it from you (negative energy is their most potent source of fuel so the hoovering period allows them to not only try to get you back in their clutches but provides highly potent narcissistic supply as this is an emotional roller coaster).
Therefore, you need to initiate the NO CONTACT PLAN. This is a defensive strategy the will ultimately lead to your victory.
Read the sentence above I just wrote as many times as you need to. This is where you are. I am sorry you are where you are and I already feel your heart-breaking. It’s bad enough to be deceived, but what I am going to tell you is going to feel even more overwhelming.
So before I go there, I am going to empower you. Nothing that happens in your life is an accident ever. You can let grief consume you or be pro-active and understand the lesson learned and move on. Life is not fair, and your nature is innocent and beautiful. You got ensnared by the most ancient form of evil on the planet. They were drawn to you for your good. Do not – and I repeat – let them win and take that away from you. Do not let them win. You are stronger than they will ever be. You are better than they will ever be. They can’t stand that you are gone. They needed you. You do not need them. You will overcome this. Do not lose belief in yourself…that is not for the Narcissist to take away.
Now, remember, we live in a fallen planet. We are here to learn lessons to help us grow and God and is goodness protects us. In fact, your innocence is attributable to Eve in the Garden of Eden…she did not understood the vile and evil of the snake who betrayed her. That is okay. But afterwards, Eve had to learn how to protect herself with boundaries. That is what you are doing here. Nothing more and nothing less.
So take a deep breath. Smile. Jump for joy (do a jig) – get in the right mindset – an emotional battle is going on – but you are already the winner if you claim it – that is the truth.
Now, you must form a plan of how to initiate the NO CONTACT PLAN. I am going to give you a list of what to do. Your job is to paste and copy and figure out when and how you are going to do – get a plan – you have the control now – not anyone else – but if the Narcissist wants to think he does, let him rock on as you do the following:
- Check your computer for a spyware and key loggers if the Narcissist had access to it of which he most assuredly did if he spent the night or had the ability. Narcissist’s are control freaks.
- Check your car(s) for GPS trackers.
- If the Narcissist had a key to your house, car, parent’s house: change your locks.
- Change your phone number and also get familiar with services like Tossable Digits or Google Voice where you can discard temporary numbers
- Change your email address
- Restrict access to your social media profiles and block the Narcissist. Be warned that the Narcissist will create fake profiles to try to woo you. Do not add friend requests you do not know or you think you know. The Narcissist will create a profile of your mother to try to gain access…if you know the person, call and see if they sent the request. If the Narcissist is using that person also make sure that you are sure they are on your side.
- Change all your passwords to all accounts such as banking, email, social media, email – everything. Make sure to do this from the computer you are sure does not have Spyware on it.
- Check your phone for spyware – replace if necessary (if the Narcissist is following you around, you know that you probably have a leak on your mobile phone for him to know where you are…)
- If you own a website, make sure you have WHOIS privacy turned on. If you do not want to pay for that, make sure you use a Google Voice or disposable number. You should never have your information public in this day and age in truth for a number of reasons.
This of it as boundary spring cleaning. What you are doing is putting a strong barrier around you like that of a moat around a castle. Do not to waste energy with the Narcissist – he or she is like a child – it just won’t work.
Keep in mind, if your Narcissist was in your life for a longer period of time that he knows your family or friends: you need to have the talk with all these people (before you change your number to initiate the “GREAT DIVIDE”.
Yes, at this point in your life, the divide comes down to where it his him or you. I am serious. There is absolutely no any room for one SMIGIN of loyalty conflict – if there is, those in conflict are his friend’s now, not yours…this includes family for the time being if your own family is ensnared…be firm and clear that these people do not get your new contact information because if they do, they will give it to the Narcissist and all the work and energy you are putting in will not be as effective.
On friends that you question their loyalty, set up Google Voice numbers. His friends are not your friends. Do not even give them your new number. If in a work situation, provide any mutual acquaintances with a Google Voice or disposable number. A great way to deter contact is to have the line recorded – this makes people not want to give out the number. Google Voice allows you to set up multiple numbers as well as other providers – if you question loyalty, better safer than sorry…give them their own line that forwards to your phone. If there is a leak, you know who gave the number and the information to the Narcissist.
You are right. This is a RIDICULOUS process to have to go through for NOTHING better than a bratty child. I am so so so sorry – but it just is what must be done here.
Think of the game Red Rover. This is where everybody holds hands and doesn’t let go – one weak link can destroy vast amounts of progress…and that is FURTHER any fair to you. Right now, it is about YOU.
We are here for you. Come here and re-charge. Vent here – don’t linger on the Narcissist’s social media pages with longing. We can offer you support. We understand what you are going through, but you have to let go…completely.
A wonderful investment for you is Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Rid Yourself of That Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life by Dr. Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam. This book single handedly can help you understand the why’s and strategies of how to deal with this type of person that I have gone over in brief.
Remember the 3 D’s: DETACH. DISENGAGE. DEFEND.
In the next blog post, we will discuss alternate strategies if no contact is not working…or not working fast enough. But remember, regardless if you have to go into additional strategies, you will always have to start at right here on the NO CONTACT PLAN.
It is hard and hurtful to realize you have been duped by someone who you thought you loved and believed loved you. However, this is the time where you start to change to a super version of yourself…love is real. This is evil. But then again, the devil is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You experienced the worst emotional evil the world has to offer – you have survived. It is uphill from here if you so choose it.